Who is this guy?
I remember from a young age a single, distinct event that marked my shyness and lack of confidence.
I was nine, and had been invited by the only girl I knew, to go to the school disco with her.
My parents drove me to the venue, and as I got out of the car, I remember seeing all these kids pouring in, with lights flashing at the windows and booming noise from the door.
I recall turning around, and asking my mummy to take me home...
Other memories stand out in the light of my social anxieties and introversion.
At college, I was afraid to go into the canteen. Such a silly, strange thing in retrospect, but at the time it was simply too scary, with too many people, each of them representing a threat in some way - perhaps of judging me, or bullying me. I was, after all, a skinny little kid lacking the physical and sporting prowess of my peers. I couldn’t even swim.
So I avoided people, especially large groups. I’d eat somewhere other than everyone else. I would sit alone, for hours at a time outside, in cold or rain, as I felt safer with my headphones on and my cassette player. I was a loner, a weirdo, a freak.
Stuck with exhaustion
Groups carried fear for me into my adulthood, where I discovered a phobia of presenting - I’d pull sickies at university to avoid it.
My coping mechanism for social gatherings was drinking till I passed out. I used to wake up in bars and find I’d forgotten half the night.
As I trudged up the corporate ladder in work, I had a problem around my energy - no matter how well I slept or eat I’d still find myself completely spent by the end of a workday, drained and exhausted. The tail end of my working days were full of conflict and frustration.
This would bleed over into my relationships and family life. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate, be present or listen effectively with those who were dearest to me. I’d be overthinking everything from work that day, sweating the small stuff and worrying. Not progressing.
The roots of transformation
Being an introvert I’m an avid reader, so I started reading a lot on psychology, neuroscience and personal development, to see what could help me.
I began to stumble on things like the introverted tendency to be detached from sensory experiences, and I wanted to become physically more confident. So I got martial arts coaching to not be a weakling any more.
Being afraid of deep water wasn’t helpful either, so I got coaching there too. The progress was slow and painful but gradually I started to get a better sense of my physical state.
Eventually I plucked up the courage to confront public speaking - and got tuition there too.
My workplace provided leadership coaching around this time which challenged my beliefs. My introversion became something I recognised for what it was; a profound, life defining characteristic with both strengths and weaknesses.
I saw that the continual sense of being ‘boxed in’ linked back to an introvert tendency to overthink, to procrastinate, and a socially anxious blocker stopping me acting on things I needed, especially if I had to ask another for change or support.
With these findings, the wheels began to turn, and my confidence grew.I started to ask for what I needed from those around me. The stuck feeling slowly eroded.I became able to manage my energy in a way which was respectful of my introversion.
With energy, I had more confidence to take the actions and ask for the things I needed to feel agency and freedom.
I became a better father to my two children. I finished my work with less mental baggage, and started to be able to be more present in the moment.
My sleep even began to improve!
With each passing month the fear of speaking went away. I’m now a confident and competent public speaker - I enjoy it; I have even competed in regional public speaking events around London.
Back to connection to body - I eventually got my black belt in karate because I fought through fear and kept trying - it took three attempts. Not long after that I got my 2nd Dan; I had become the sensei, and regularly instruct to this day.
I confronted my fear of swimming - I now enjoy triathlons and love distance swimming.
Today
I’m married with a wonderful wife and two young children to whom I am a proud, and I believe present father - because I have put guardrails around the tendency to think too much, and ensure my diary balances the need for time alone, with the need to connect.
I have a six-figure income, and live comfortably, but this was never the biggest issue for me - it was always that independence to act and live more freely - and the biggest unlock there has been the ability to not be afraid to ask.
I know how to manage my energy and take the time I need to recharge, which ends up giving me a far higher level of sustainable wellbeing, I have the reserves to travel and see new and different places, to do fun and risky things and have adventure, to learn continually and develop myself - backed by rock solid confidence.
And where this has all taken me is this, I can help you too. So if you’re reading this thinking it resonates, just reach out and let’s talk about how we can work together to bring you the confidence that unlocks all the energy and independence you need.